Crazy or Adopted - Pick One

I never fit in no matter how hard I tried. I just had to be adopted. There was no way I could be a biological part of the family I was living with. These were my innermost thoughts, maybe even my hopes, for years.

I wasn’t like my cousins, didn’t follow the rules easily, hated taking care of my baby brother and constantly received a ‘D’ in deportment. Yet I stayed out of any big trouble. Maybe I was just crazy.

Looking back, I wonder how I got through it. I locked myself in my bedroom just to have quiet time and read. But that wasn’t allowed. I was never alone. I couldn’t meet the expectations of my family. I didn’t even clean the sink well enough.

A young girl in my era had to be a good cook, housekeeper and hopefully, a good wife. I didn’t want to get married,but there were no alternatives for me. I was totally alone.

Eventually I gave in and married someone my parents approved of. I gave birth to three children in three years.

I decorated and painted the walls, and cooked the meals and baked the cookies. The good wife and mother.

Salvation appeared in the form of a hobby, albeit against my husband’s wishes. Acting. There were few rules. You could be someone else, someone new. It was not only an outlet but also a way out.

Over a two year period, I planned my escape from the abusive environment. When I did escape, it was only about a mile away, but it felt great. For a while, that is.

Two more years of ignorance, uncertainty and abuse came and went. The great escape appeared and I took it. My golden opportunity. California! I was terrified, yet vilified by family members. No one got divorced, let alone moved away from the family. But they didn’t fee like my family. There was no love or acceptance for who I was and what I was doing. They said I was eccentric. Maybe I was.

I see now that my hobby and move to California were spurts of the creativity and desire I had within but had not been aware of. I was unaware for a long time.

I now know what I did was adapt in order to fit in. I know the constant adapting made me unhappy, unfulfilled and tired. But I just sucked it up and did what I had to do to survive and provide for my children.

Burnout wasn’t quite the word years ago that it is today. I did it more than once. Got married a second time and was back where I did not belong. Got out of that, but with a great sense of loss. Where did I go wrong? Who was I that nothing worked out?

I did enjoy certain periods of my life. That was in the peaks. It was in the valleys where the questions, depression and losses occurred. Getting out of each successive valley took great energy and desire.

I had little of each as time kept rushing by. Then came another in the long string of mini-salvations. A friend asked me to co-facilitate a workshop. Thus began the era of any and every type of body work,consciousness raising work, Tibetan Buddhism, and presenting and attending a multitude of seminars and workshops in the ongoing search for self.

As luck would have it, I met a new friend. She mentioned a workshop that would help me realize my innate giftedness(a thinking process preference for using the right frontal lobe of the brain) and I was on my way.

Arlene Taylor’s Brain Realization workshop has been a tremendous eye opener. I was vibrating in my seat from the minute it started. I was home.

(Contact Arlene here: http://www.ArleneTaylor.org

The integration of all aspects of my life within the context of her brain-function information has blown me away.

Integrating who I now know myself to be is a challenge, but an adventure I handle daily.

Someone asked how I was going to apply what I learned in Arlene’s workshop. My response was that I now knew I wasn’t crazy. What an enormous relief. I also said that each day was new, inviting, maybe scary, but I had the rest of my life to truly find out how to live well as a frontal right, auditory, introvert.

The benefits have been coming since day one. They don't stop. I’m not crazy. Never have been. I am not adopted, either. Just unique